Writer v Inner Editor

Image by Jan Steiner from Pixabay

Ed: God, what a clunky sentence.

Me: Never mind, it’ll do.

Ed: It’ll do? That’s the sort of attitude that leads to lazy writing!

Me: I meant it’ll do for now. We can tidy it up later.

Ed: You can’t keep putting things off till later.

Me: This is a first draft. I just need to get the story down, OK?

Ed: OK, whatever. Don’t mind me.

Me: Don’t worry, I won’t.

Two sentences later…

Ed: You can’t put that.

Me: Why? What’s wrong with it?

Ed: It’s an adverb.

Me: I know it’s an adverb.

Ed: Adverbs aren’t allowed.

Me: They are sometimes. Where it’s appropriate. And I happen to think it’s appropriate here.

Ed: Oh, you think so, do you?

Me: Yes, I do. Adverbs are fine as long as you don’t overuse them.

Ed: It’s a slippery slope, though. You start using those things and you won’t be able to stop.

Me: I’m aware of that. Don’t worry, I’ve got it under control.

Ed: OK, if you say so.

Me: I do say so.

One line later…

Ed: Oops! I spy a crutch word.

Me: I’ll kick your crutch in a minute.

Ed: There’s no need to be like that.

Me: So stop distracting me! You’re breaking my flow!

Ed: Sorry! I’m only trying to help.

Me: Well, you’re not helping. Go away if you can’t be quiet.

Ed: Where d’you want me to go?

Me: I don’t know – go for a walk, or go on holiday or something. I don’t care where you go as long as you wait your turn.

Ed: All right! I won’t say another word, I promise. I’ll be as quiet as a mouse.

A paragraph later…

Ed: Oh really, I can’t have this. You’ve used ‘began’ once, ‘that’ twice, ‘was’ three times, and four ‘-ing’ words.

Me: (leaping up and wrestling Ed to the floor) Listen, you pedantic pain in the arse! If you keep questioning every word I write, you’re going to be out of a job, because there won’t be any words on the screen for you to edit! Or do you have some wonderful new idea for editing a blank page?

Ed: No! I just thought we could save time later if I did some of the editing now.

Me: I don’t want you to do some of the editing now. I don’t want you to do any editing until I’ve written the story.

Ed: (sadly) Not even a little bit?

Me: Not even a little biddy bit.

Ed: (even more sadly) OK. I understand. No editing until you’ve finished the story.

Me: Good. I’m glad we’ve got that straight.

Two paragraphs later…

Ed: Better ditch that passive voice…

Me: AAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!

Image by Steve Johnson from Pixabay