Milton Spilk was an Extreme Romantic Hero. His hair was so black it had actually turned into a black hole and sucked out his brain, his eyes were so intensely electric blue they burned holes in everything they looked at, his jaw was so chiselled it could cut steel at twenty paces and his chin was so huge he had to wheel it about in a shopping cart.
All the women wanted to marry him, but he wasn’t interested in marriage. He just wanted to have fun with movie stars and supermodels. His mousy little secretary Dimity Jones was madly in love with him, even though he treated her like dirt. She lived in hope that one day he would see her true worth, just like in the romantic novels.
‘I wish he’d ask me out,’ she sobbed on her girlfriends’ shoulders.
‘Even if he did, it wouldn’t last more than a night,’ they said. ‘Don’t waste your tears on him, he’s a player.’
Then one day something wonderful happened. When Dimity brought Milton his morning coffee, he looked at her with new eyes. They were still intensely electric blue, but he was wearing magic glasses with built-in fireguards so they wouldn’t burn holes in stuff anymore. The magic glasses were also capable of seeing the true worth of mousy secretaries, and he got down on one knee there and then and asked her to marry him.
‘Yes!’ she breathed ecstatically.
On the day of the wedding, Dimity’s girlfriends transformed her from a mousy secretary into a golden princess with blonde hair and a huge bottom. As she walked down the aisle she shone like a million suns, and Milton’s heart melted at the sight of her. Unfortunately, his magic glasses melted as well, and he could no longer see her true worth. He left her on the second day of the honeymoon.
Her girlfriends came to meet her off the plane and found her sobbing in the airport.
‘What did we tell you?’ they said. ‘It’s no good crying over Milt Spilk!’