Last weekend my ASBO was lifted and I was allowed to go to Sandy Lane Dog Show. Snip was officiating and he awarded me first prize for ‘Dog That Looks Most Like Their Owner’. I chose to take this as a compliment.
Pearl couldn’t go to the Dog Show because she would have been frightened of all the noise. She didn’t appreciate being left behind.
I almost felt sorry for her – but not quite. She’s been insufferable lately, even more so than usual.
It’s all about Snip, of course. Pearl claims not to fancy him but it’s obvious she’s jealous because I’ve got a boyfriend and she hasn’t. She even tried to entice him into the ferns one day when we were out on a walk. He went with her, but only to make sure she was OK – she was pretending to hide from some perfectly harmless children. Pearl is afraid of children, but these kids were miles away and they weren’t even making that much noise.
She’s always trying to convince me Snip has a wandering eye. She’s gone on about it so much, I’m almost starting to believe it. He does like to chase pretty young Lurchers and Whippets, and I felt decidedly uneasy when his cousin Dotty came to spend a few weeks at his house.
Dotty was young…
…and a thoroughly bad influence. She loved to party all night, reducing the house to chaos. Morning would find her collapsed on the grass with makeup all over her face.
On walks Dotty was a total delinquent, ignoring commands, raiding people’s picnics, chasing the cows and rolling in their poop. (I don’t use perfume myself, but I do know a bit about it and cow just isn’t classy – the sophisticated dog favours fox or badger.) Afterwards she would hog the bathroom for hours removing the green slime from her pristine white coat. The smell would linger, of course, but it was the smell she wanted, not the slime. Green slime is never a good look.
The dirt goblins love dogs like Dotty because they do half their work for them. She always had at least three of them riding on her back, encouraging her to get down and dirty in the dung. Snip tried to keep her in order, but soon got sucked into the general delinquency.
Pearl took great delight in pointing out how well they were getting along…
…until Dotty’s last day, when she and Snip had a fight. To me, this proved he had no romantic feelings for her. Pearl insisted it proved the exact opposite. I reminded her that he’s never fought with me, and Pearl said he respects me because I’m an old lady. Cheek!
She claims she only says these things for my own good, but I know better. I wish she’d stop trying to come between us.