A Dog’s Dinner

Pearl and I have been talking, and we agree on one thing: dog food is DULL.

Annabelle gives us something called ‘kibble’, and makes all sorts of claims for it which can’t possibly be true.  She says there’s chicken in it, but we’ve examined it closely and can find no evidence.  She says it’s good for us and of greater nutritional value than the food she eats herself.  (Actually, I can believe that – Annabelle is a disastrous cook.)  She also claims it keeps our teeth clean.  If that’s the case, why does she have to add weird seaweedy stuff to our food to get the plaque off our teeth?

Kibble is boring and hard work to eat.  Annabelle tries to liven it up by adding dog meat, but that doesn’t work because the dog meat is dull as well.  Even the word ‘kibble’ is boring.  Interesting food words for dogs are ‘meat’, ‘chicken’, ‘rabbit’,  ‘fish’, ‘cheese’, ‘egg’, and ‘cat’.  ‘Kibble’ is meaningless.

For a long time we’ve accepted this substandard fare on the assumption that all dogs are in the same boat.  But now we’ve discovered this is not so.  When Annabelle was reading WAG! (DogsTrust magazine) the other day, I ‘listened in’ and picked up that certain dogs – dogs who belong to CELEBRITIES – get to eat delicious, dog-friendly food prepared specially for them by a proper chef at a private members’ club in Mayfair!

This situation is bang out of order.  I may not belong to a celebrity – yet – but I am a celebrity in my own right.  Did I not feature prominently in the Pets At Home 2010 Greyhound and Lurcher calendars?

And NO, Pearl, I am NOT a ‘has-been’.  My stardom lives on.  Just last week, we were out on a walk and some German tourists asked if they could take a picture of me.  That’s as good as asking for my autograph!

The point is, I should be getting gourmet food.  I don’t even need to go to some posh London club to eat it – I’d be more than happy to have it served at home.  I’d even be happy to share it with Pearl.  She may not be an A-lister, but I can’t bear to watch her chewing live wasps in an attempt to spice up her diet.

So come on, Annabelle, lift your game.  ‘Kibble’ simply doesn’t cut it, and if you’re not careful you might find us going on hunger strike.